my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
