i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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