i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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