Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
