so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
