Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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