i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
