matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
