Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
