i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
