Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
