8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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