So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
