areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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