my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
