By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
