And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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