drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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