Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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