Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
