I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
