I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
