I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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