Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
