he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
