My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
