im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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