Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
