Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
