I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
