Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
