I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
