I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Randomize
