Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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