TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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