you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
