So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Randomize
