Need sex. Gaining weight.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
