The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
