I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
