just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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