so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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