I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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