Barsexuality is the new black.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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