Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
