I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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