I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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