I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
