I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
