i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
