dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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