Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
