K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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