I think I am morally bankrupt
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
