I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
