So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
