I'm lost and stupid without you.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize