Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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