He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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