Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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