We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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